It’s been nearly six years since I dusted off the old keyboard and logged into this blog and while a lot has changed for me, there’s still a lot of similarities between the 24 year old setting off to Australia, and the 31 year old who moved to Texas in August of 2020.
I blame Covid for my state-side existence. Here I am, my backpack is gathering dust in my closet, my new passport has almost no stamp stamps, and I didn’t make it to 7 continents before I was thirty (okay 5 isn’t bad, but still). It’s not all so terrible, I moved across country, made some good friends and I’ve been working my ass off trying to advance my career. The problem is, I’ve found myself struggling in this life that I didn’t want to have in the first place.
As I reread my posts from a younger-Dana, I’m terrified that I’ve let her down. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished in the last four years don’t get me wrong. But it doesn’t change the ache inside my soul that just won’t sit still in one place for long. I guess it wasn’t Massachusetts, or Australia that kept me wanting to move, maybe it’s me. And the question remains the same as it was in 2018, how can I travel as much as I want, while being able to support myself? Well, it appears being able to support myself won out in this conundrum as of today.
My need to travel is a feeling that’s hard for me to explain to others. I don’t just want to travel the World occasionally when it’s convenient around work. I have no other interest really, there is nothing my soul aches for other than the unknown. If it weren’t for my cat and my bills, I would have dropped everything once again after I was fired in May, to pick back up where I left off in 2018.
I can’t let the former versions of myself down though. I’m not that girl, I’m the one who took off with a one-way ticket, a backpack and a dream. Now, I have to remind myself to be brave like she was. The problem here is, my delusions and dreams don’t pay my bills and they certainly don’t pay for plane tickets and hotel rooms.
I’m angry that I’m in a similar spot as when I wrote my last blog post. I have moved states, built restaurants, gotten my master’s degree and I’m still looking for the way out of the matrix. I’ve lost my job twice this year( tune into my podcast HEARD, for that story). The first time, I panicked, got the first job that came my way. The second time, I’m doing the opposite of panic job searching… I know it’s not my smartest move but I can’t bear to put myself back into the cycle of working hard to excel someone else’s success without any benefit to me and my goals.
Maybe this time, I’ll learn. Maybe this time, I’ll make it. Maybe delusional is exactly how I need to be right now.
