If you’ve ever set out on a long term adventure then returned home, you know the feeling. The feeling of nostalgia, for familiar faces but also for the foreign friends you’ve left behind. Where is home when your mind is elsewhere?
For me, I’ve done this before. I’ve left, returned and repeated. This time it’s different. This time, I know whole heartily that I can’t be in Boston for long.
I can’t sit still.
I don’t want my own cubicle with 10 vacation days a year, I don’t want to serve you brunch.
Australia chewed me up and spit me back out. I’m even more confused than when I left in some ways and, 100x more resolute in others.
I can’t but feel this little part of me screaming when I tell someone where I’ve been, knowing I’m back in the same place doing the same thing. “ BUT I’M NOT HERE FOR LONG, I’M GUNNA GO SOMEWHERE, I’M GUNNA BE SOMEONE.” I don’t have the next step in place yet.
My current bank account makes me feel like I’m lying to myself. Even though I’ve gotten past so many harder times than this. Mentally and financially. I rocked up to Melbourne with 80 dollars in my pocket. You make it work, I guess. The new job I found myself in isn’t too bad actually and I think the money thing will turn around quickly.
Today I thought, fuck it I’ll just go to New Zealand. Keep things moving that way, but I’m unsure. Other days I’m moving to New York, or heading back to Europe (just for the week, I tell myself..) I can make it work… The problem now is that I sold my car back home before my Outback road trip. So I’ve just purchased one that I’ll need to pay off. I’m lucky my parents let me freeload every time I come home from another “trip of a lifetime”.
My other problem is, I genuinely don’t know what I fucking want. Trying to balance my goals and dreams with everyone else’ expectations of my reality is, exhausting. What I’ve been trying to figure out myself is, what do I want? And then it hit me. I want, to travel the world, full time. I want to see it all. And then, (I tell myself), I’ll be able to settle down a bit. Right now, I’m not running away from my responsibilities, I’m running full speed ahead towards the goals I’ve set for myself. The type of goals you can’t always articulate to your loved ones. I’m not “back”, I’m back for now. I’m rebuilding and headed back on the road. That is what I want right now. I’ll stop when I’m ready to stop. Or maybe I won’t. Someday I’d like to trade my backpack for a Rollie suitcase. Or my hostel dorm bed for a hotel room all my own. I’m not there yet. But, someday I’ll figure it out.
For now, I’ll be figuring it out in Boston. Come January, maybe I’ll be making it work in Southeast Asia. I’ll keep you posted.
